Adventures in Un-Stored Numbers, Episode 3, "Text Message Rates Apply"

You can read the second episode here. And the first one here.


All sentences in italics represent my internal monologue and should be read as such. Even this one. Also, if you see a word that appears in lime green that means it's hyperlinked. 'Cause I'm fancy.


Episode 3, "Text Message Rates Apply"

EXT. JOGGING TRAIL - AFTERNOON. I am walking a slow cool down lap around the park at the end of my street. I have just finished a pretty miserable jog and am limping towards home to quickly shower and head in to work. My text message notification sounds. I read a text from an un-stored number. *some of these messages have been removed for privacy, editing, and laziness*


TEXTER: 
Hey are you going to the This American Life live event tomorrow?


ME: 
didn't know about it. sounds wonderful! Also, lost my phone so I don't have this number saved...can you tell me who you are? :)


TEXTER:
We can play 20 questions to see if you can figure it out :)


That was the perfect answer. Who the hell is this? How is it possible that I haven't called this person since I broke my phone a month ago? Because I want to hang out with them like right now.
ME: Are you an animal, mineral, or person? Haha! I've got a few guesses...Shmalicia*? 
Name barely changed for my own amusement, I do this a lot. 


ME:
And yes, now that I know about the event, I'm going.


TEXTER: 
Person. Larger than a breadbox, slighly less Asian than Shmalicia.


So, they know Shmalicia. Does that mean they're Asian? Maybe they're a musician that I've met through her.
ME: 
What's your favorite outdoor activity?


TEXTER: 
Either jogging or playing with my dog. Or jogging with my dog? Or grilling!!! With my dog!


I can't think of a dog owner with this area code. Is this one of the bazillion lesbo dog rescuers I met through Jack's Backyard?
ME: 
Have we done those activities together? Do you like....jazz?


TEXTER:
We have played with my dog together many times and also grilled. Jazz is ok but we've never jazzed together, per se. I'm fairly certain we have done jazz hands together.


Ok, that actually narrows it down, some.  Or at least crosses off all of the women that I know.This is a gay man. A gay man I've done jazz hands with! But, that doesn't remove a single homosexual male that I know from my suspect list. I've gotta take a shower like, now. 
ME: 
Oh wow. This is tough. I'm thinking of someone...but I've never grilled with him. Are you a musician of some kind?


I set my phone on the bathroom counter and get into the shower. The message tone goes off. My curiosity is so piqued that I step out of my still running shower and grab my phone to read the message, getting water all over the screen and key pad. I quickly grab my towel and dry it off. I am an idiot. An idiot who murders phones. 


TEXTER: 
Certainly not a professional. Never made any money off my talents, or lack thereof. I demand better questions!


ME: 
Well now I know we're friends! How long have we known each other?


TEXTER: 
6 years


Well this is getting embarrassing. I've gotta ask questions that will set this NPR listening, jazz-hand-doing homo apart from all of the other men that I know that ARE JUST LIKE HIM.
ME: 
Star Trek or Star Wars?


TEXTER: 
Hard one! I'm gonna go Star Wars though.


Style points for having a set opinion. He likes sci-fi. As do all of the other NPR listening, jazz-hand-doing nerd homos I know. I really have a very specific type for my friends... better bring out the big guns.
ME: Favorite Author?


TEXTER: Isabel Allende? David Sedaris?


ME: Phil?


TEXTER: I meant Hitler! Hitler is my favorite!
TEXTER: Yes, it's me.


I am really good at picking friends. I am really terrible at 20 questions. 

Episode 2, "Are you my mother?"

Here's Episode 2 of "Adventures in Un-stored phone numbers". You can read the first episode here, although the only connection is my phone number. In this episode you get a bit more internal monologue and a glimpse at how neurotic I can be. Especially on the subject of mothers. 


All sentences in italics represent internal monologue and should be read as such. Even this one.


Episode 2, "Are you my mother?" 

INT. ANGELA'S DOORWAY - EVENING. I am unlocking my front door having returned from a day spent at a nearby cafe/coffee shop. I wrote a very short promo blog, submitted my resume to a few places and spent some time editing old pieces and mapping their future, so in other words I had taken it pretty easy on myself. I answer my phone as I enter my apartment.

ME:
Hello?

HISPANIC WOMAN:
Elizabeth?

ME:
Um...yes? 

Shit, no one calls me that. Is this a bill collector? Do I have a bill that needs collecting? No, I don't. This had better not be a telemarketer, or a politician. Or that Los Angeles area cleaning service that seems to find each new cell phone number I've had ever since I left LA. Six years ago. 

HW:
This is your mother.

I was not expecting that.
ME: 

What? No it's not.

HW: 

Elizabeth? Is that you?

ME: 

I'm AN Elizabeth, but not YOUR Elizabeth.

HW: 

What is your last name?

Oh give me a fucking break! How does someone NOT know their child's last name? This has got to be some kind of scam. She's trying to get information out of me. Confirm nothing Johnson, nothing.
ME:
You don't know your daughter's last name? Don't you think that's odd? What's YOUR name?

HW:
Anita.

Wait, this isn't my mom is it? There's like no possible way that the mom I know kidnapped me from a hispanic family as an infant and that this lady is my real mom? Those jokes Andy made about my being adopted WERE jokes weren't they? WHOA, calm down. While interesting and dramatic as hell, that's not very likely. This is not your mother. You're stuck with Laurie. 
ME:
Yeah... you're not my mom. I mean already knew that, but her name is not Anita...so you are definitely NOT my mother.

HW:
Why are you being this way?

Whoa, she sounds desperate to talk to her daughter. I bet she's like estranged or whatever and it's taken her decades of searching and pride swallowing to even make this phone call. I bet she's just like, one digit off or something, a misdial. Or she's nuts. Either way I don't want to deal with this shit.
ME:
I'm going to shut this down. You must have the wrong number which was coupled with the highly unlikely coincidence that I have the same name as your daughter. I promise I am not your daughter. Try another number please.

HW:
Elizabeth, please don't hang up on me! I'm sorry!

ME:
Yeah Anita, I already have one hot-mess of a mother, I'm not signing up for a second one. Thanks. I'm hanging up now. Don't call again.

Shit, I better call my mom.

Adventures in Un-stored Phone Numbers, Episode 1

I have mentioned before that I have a really hard time taking care of small, delicate things. I have a propensity to drop them, and in my younger, more alcohol-infused days I had a propensity to throw them at anyone who irritated the hell out of me. Or anyone that was sitting where I wanted to sit. Or wearing a similar outfit to mine. But mostly, I just tend to epically drop things (epically = at least two stories of free fall, preferably onto hardwood or concrete)

Because I annihilate cell phones so often I have become accustomed to answering un-stored numbers, because *most* of the time it's a friend. Every now and then I get a gorgeous gem of dysfunctional dialogue that is worth sharing. I present to you Episode 1 of "Adventures in Un-stored Phone Numbers"

All sentences in italics represent my internal monologue and should be read as such. Even this one.

Episode 1, "Lisa unintentionally oversteps her bounds"

INT. ANGELA'S APT - EARLY AFTERNOON. I am sitting at my writing desk. I have been working on a piece about the passing of my dog and have not spoken to another human being in at least 12 hours. I am desperate for a break from my self-imposed isolation and just as I decide to pack up my computer and head to a bar to write, my cell phone rings.

Thank you, Universe! I see the unfamiliar number and click "answer" but do not have a chance to say hello before a woman with a very thick southern drawl says...

WOMAN:
You didn't do nothin' wrong.

ME:
Excuse me?

WOMAN:
I'd just rather you not get into the middle of this.

ME:
I'm sorry, who is this?

WOMAN:
Lisa, really, it's just gonna be best for all of us if you just stay out of it. (BEAT) Wait, did I dial the wrong number?

ME: I'm betting so, but please, go on. I wanna know what Lisa did.

WOMAN:
Well Hell's Belle's! *click*

ME:
Hello?

Who the fuck says "Hell's Belle's"? I thought that was only in terrible movies about the South. Oh, and probably Gone with the Wind. I should really watch that. I wonder if she'd answer if I called back...

Show of hands - who's been to the theatre in the past year?

Don't be ashamed. You're not the only one who hasn't been to see a play since you starred in your High School's version of "Our Town". And while I'm certain you were AMAZING, you should know- the theatre has so much more to offer than a venue for nerdy kids to hide out in until graduation.

Live theatre allows you to willingly suspend all disbelief, to see fellow humans become someone else's creation, live someone else's life, cry and laugh through someone else's pain. It's wonderful! And terrible! And you need to get your butt into a seat ASAP!

Don't want to see Death of Salesman for the thousandth time? No problem. Dallas has some new work for you to see.

The next two weeks provide many ample, pay-what-you-can opportunities to see new theater in Dallas. Thanks to Nouveau 47's New Works/New Voices Exchanges Program you have eight opportunities to see World Premiers. You can reserve your tickets here- http://www.nouveau47.com/tickets/
And no, that "free" under price isn't a mistake. Reserve your tickets with an email address and when you arrive bring cash to donate-what-you-can. Also bring some wine or cold beer because Nouveau 47 let's you BYOB! You can't find a better (cheaper) way to spend an evening than that!

So to recap:
New Theater+BYOB+donate-what-you-can= an awesome night

The fun starts this Thursday the 26th.

http://www.nouveau47.com/exchanges2012/

I've got 15 minutes

I have not updated my blog in quite some time. I am ashamed.  And I don't have time to post something so wonderful that you'll love me again. So, instead please enjoy this apple pie I baked. Here's the recipe too, straight from Martha's website.

Angela's tips:
Personally, I like to slice the apples as uniformly as possible and I reserve one or two apples for cutting into inch (ish) cubes. I find that this gives the pie a crunchier texture and is more impressive looking when you slice it. And that's really why you're baking an apple pie, isn't it? Also, I use freshly grated nutmeg. You can get whole nutmegs from whole foods for just a few cents. You only need one.

Also, I recently discovered that a food processor makes crust making a breeze! It's is extremely important that your butter and water are SUPER cold. For you sciencey nerds out there, lemme 'splain. When the crust mixture is blended you deposit little pieces of butter and water into the flour. As the crust bakes these deposits of water evaporate and create deposits of air. Which equals a flaky crust, and that's the good stuff. Also (when time permits) I put the blades into the freezer while I gather my ingredients.

And lastly, I like to grate some super bourge-y gruyère on top of the crust. 

Martha's Apple Pie 
Makes 1 double-crust pie

Pie pastry
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, chilled and cut into small pieces
1/4 to 1/2 cup ice water (essential that the water is cold)

Filling
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
12 apples, peeled, cored, and sliced (I like to use a mixture of Granny Smith and Fuji, or any other apples that look nice at the market)
3/4 cup sugar, plus additional for pie top
Zest and juice of 1 lemon
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
Pinch ground cloves
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 large egg, beaten

Directions
1. In a mixing bowl, combine flour, salt, and sugar. Add butter, and use a pastry blender (or a fork, but I find it makes a difference to use the proper tool) to blend until mixture resembles coarse meal.

1.a Use your food processor. It is sooo much easier. 

2. Add ice water slowly, while gently stirring with a spatula just until dough holds together without being wet or sticky. Be careful not to over-work the dough. To test, squeeze a small amount together: If it is crumbly, add more ice water, 1 tablespoon at a time.
3. Divide dough into two equal balls. Flatten each ball into a disc and wrap in plastic. Transfer to the refrigerator and chill at least 30 minutes.
4. Heat oven to 375 degrees. On a lightly floured surface (I like to use a pastry cloth), roll out pastry into two 1/8-inch-thick circles to a diameter slightly larger than that of an 11-inch plate. Press one pastry circle into the pie plate.
5. In a large bowl, combine apples, sugar, lemon zest and juice, spices, and flour. Toss well. Spoon apples into pie pan. Dot with butter, and cover with remaining pastry circle. Trim edges of crust to make neat circle, with top slightly larger than bottom. Seal by gently folding top layer around the edge of the bottom shell and pinching edges with fingers and thumb to make a pretty fluted edge. Cut several steam vents across top. Brush with beaten egg, and sprinkle with additional cinnamon and sugar.
6. Bake until crust is brown and juices are bubbling, about 1 hour. Let cool on wire rack before serving.

Everyone in this video moves like Jagger except for Adam and Cristina

It is about effing time that someone came out with a dance song paying homage to Mick Jagger. Barbara Streisand has one and she isn't even known for her bad ass moves like Mick is- although bitch can werk, don't get me wrong.

Thumbs up to Adam Levine for this slightly-auto-tuned basstastic make ya head bob number. I could do with less verse, a little more Cristina (and waay fewer clothes on her) and a lot more of Jagger's actual moves. And the two singers (Levine and Aguilera) don't actually move like Jagger, what gives? Isn't there a show that teaches celebrities how to dance? Oh wait, is that the show they host? I can't keep up. Either way, Mick Jagger wins. And either way I'll hate this song in about a week so let's just enjoy it for now.

The boys of Duck Sauce did a much better job of showing their love to Barbara though. Check it out below. Imma wait for a song showing some love for Bowie. Check out this collection of David Bowie's best moves strung together underneath his hit, "John I'm Only Dancing".


Check out the video for "Moves Like Jagger" below and leave your thoughts.



And now for some Barbara



up next, David Bowie?

The French, Freshman, AFFD, and HP7 Part 2

There are a ton of very interesting things going on tonight in Dallas. So many that I decided to blog about what I consider your top four best bets for tonight. 


If you're super caffeinated you can make two of the four events! I've paired them below in no particular order of awesomeness.


Oh, and go ahead and accept that you're gonna be tired tomorrow. But it's Friday, nobody really does any work on Friday.


1. Bastille on Bishop

DOWN WITH FEUDALISM! or something. but in French. Why people in the Bishop Arts District want to celebrate Bastille Day is beyond moi, but I'm always down with lots of butter- and those French are never too shy with the butter. So, bust out that striped shirt and your beret and mime your way over to the Bishop Arts district for tons of activities, including the 2nd annual Mussel Competition. There are top chefs from local fine restaurants that will be serving up mussels for judges in three waves. I hate to say it, but if you don't already have your mussel tickets you may be out of luck. Get down there ASAP and check with Eno's for tickets. It's cash or check only (that goes for the wine glasses too).


If there aren't any mussel tickets left-or you think they're bottom feeders and therefore inedible, like I do, come on down anyway and eat your weight in saucisses (sausages) on baguettes with caramelized onions mmmm caramelized onions. Or of course, frites! street food galore! There will also be a Petanque court, which has something to do with hollow metal balls. I got bored after reading skimming the google search results. Apparently it's a French sport- whatevs. Fun starts at 6pm! Oh and ride your bike or walk. there will be NO parking. None. nada. zip. not even for you. Ok, there will be some parking, but put your walking shoes on.
Here are the chefs for tonight's mussel competition:

• Scott Romano, Charlie Palmer
• John Tesar, The Commisary
• Tim Byres, Smoke
• Matt McCallister, formerly of Stephen Pyles… new restaurant TDB
• Marc Cassel, Peavy Road
• Tony Gardizi, Decanter
• David Anthony Temple, Underground Dinners

1b. Dive in Movie at the Belmont Hotel

Party at the Moon Tower!

Since you're in the OC (Oak Cliff) head over to the Moon Tower, er... Belmont Hotel for their "Dive in movie". Tonight's selection is Dazed and Confused. Enjoy the best (seriously, the BEST) view of downtown Dallas and lounge in their ultra chic pool and sip away on cocktails or PBR (and other things but let's be real. that's what you're going to order). During their last dive in movie- Harold and Maude- they had delicious dogs and sausages, in case you aren't filled up on french food. Or if you suddenly find yourself needing some munchies- they've got you covered. You don't have to sit in the pool, but why the hell wouldn't you? It's like 100+ degrees. Show starts right after sundown. The best real estate (lawn and pool) is usually taken by around 8:15pm. (but really their grass is SUPER soft. like, I think they have a layer of down underneath it or something) I'd say it's about 50/50 swimmers vs. land lovers. Oh, and if you drive I'd suggest parking off of Sylvan avenue just behind the Claire Vista Vitality Club. Walk up the steep ass hill and the pool will be on your right. 

2. AFFD (Asian Film Festival of Dallas) Opening Night Party

AFFD is 10 years old this year! Come celebrate tonight at Lumi Empanada and Dumpling Kitchen in the heart of Uptown at 3407 McKinney Avenue. The open RSVP is now closed but if you previously RSVP'd via FB you should be fine. This event requires cocktail attire and they will have wine and hors d'oeuvres and DJ R3VO will be spinning all night. Mingle with the beautiful and start picking out your films for the next week. Open acces begins at 8pm with VIP only from 7-8pm. Kick it until 10pm then head off to the next item... 


2b. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2 at midnight. I really shouldn't have to say much about this. I mean, obvi you're going. Just be sure to load your coffee maker tonight. 

Bastille and Belmont are technically FREE events. If you want to eat and drink then you'll need to shell out some clams, but not too many. AFFD is also totally free, just make sure you've RSVP'd. HP7 isn't free but worth the $10-$15. Have fun out there Dallasites!